Selamat Hari Raya Aidiladha

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As im typing this down, we are on our way to the mosque in AMK for solat sunnat Aidiladha.

After solat and khutbah, insya allah, I will go home first before heading to mom’s and mil’s later in the evening. Hubb wont be joining as he will be handling the sheep at the mosque. Most prolly a whole day affair.

Selamat Hari Raya Aidiladha to all Muslims. May all our sacrifices in the name of Allah swt be blessed and granted ease. Insya allah.

Amin…

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Missing Bali

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We miss Bali. Thats hubb btw. Haha. At Seminyak Beach. Way back in 2012. A few weeks before I donned the tudung. I have yet to get to a beach or pool with tudung on. Hmm… no tanning for sure. Either that or I’ll have to resort to chilling on a remote private beach or a villa with a private pool.

My babysis is in Bali right now. A birthday trip with our girl cousins. Her villa looks smashing frm the photos she took and uploaded. Haiz… I am missing Bali badly. Mom called when Adek left for the airport. Said she wanted to go too. Hehe. Prolly surprise her in Dec? Mom doesnt like plans. Shes fickle and she knows it. She likes impromptu things. So we’ll see how it goes la hor.

Ok. Monday. Week 3. Soldier on! Haiz…

Just thinking…

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Its past 2am now. And I cannot sleep. Despite having a terrible ear infection and mild fever. I think Im having like a gazillion thoughts which will drive me crazy if I dont scream them out. Which will disturb hubb’s sleep. And the cats. And so. I shall blog.

Kids
1. Why do people have them but have no idea how to properly care for them? I am working on a case where a woman is blessed to have 6 beautiful kids. Yet. She just got released frm drc. Husband? MIA. All the while she was inside, the kids are looked after by a single grandparent with very limited finances. She got out, took back all her kids and they are living in a house with no water supply. And recently, the youngest one got into a traffic accident and spent 3 days in ICU. He was jaywalking to get to the playground on the other side of the road. Without any adult supervision. WHY. Those kids dont even have their basic needs met. And then this. I had hoped the accident will bring her to her senses. But from my last visit…. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

2. Why do people have them and then have big showy bday celebrations when their child cannot even comprehend the occasion?
By the way. AKU TAK JELES PON. Its just an observation and imho. I mean, your child turns 1. You hold a big party. With all that goody bags, buffet thingy, candycorner stuff. With themes and deco yada2. Oh. And invite like a hundred or so guests. And then you try to make ur child pose in front of the camera or hold the plastic cake knife to cut it. And all your child wants to do is grab the cake and smear it all over your fab party dress.

Ah. Im not against lavish bday parties. Though I would most prefer a kenduri doa selamat, makan in dulang kinda thing. But wait at least till ur child can appreciate what you are doing. Then it’ll be kept permanently in their memories! Then you’ll have a reason! It wont be a pointless mummy daddy show off fest!

And I dont understand. Why I get invited to parties like these. And get shoved a goodybag or 2 in my chest. Who do I pass them to? My cats? *rolls eyes moment*

Assumptions
Never assume. I dont get this whole “you wont understand coz youre not a mother” thingy. Ok. I was never pregnant. I never delivered. I never is a mom. But I know how to love kids. I was trained to discipline kids. I was taught to nurture kids. My whole career revolves around kids.

And when I stare down at your cranky sweet toothed munchkin rolling around on the floor screaming the lungs out while u sit and chat and do nothing. You get upset. And tell me,

KAU TAKDER ANAK, KAU TAK FAHAM.

Eh Dol.ย  Tu anak kau kan? Wow. Great parenting skills. Come. I clap for you. Look how awesome your brat is turning out.

Fine. It takes 1 to be a real mother to understand how this whole parenting thing works. Im only a ‘mother’ for half a day. What do I know.

Fyi. Parenthood doesnt come naturally either. Biologically… yes. You give birth, have kids… bam! Youre parents! But to be a good one, thats a diff thing altogether.

Never assume im not happy not having any. Its still a little difficult to get by surrounded by ladies falling pregnant ard me. My husb and I, we still are trying. Praying. Trying to stay healthy. But we’re not ready for ivf.

Someone told me.

SEMBAHYANG BYK KALI PON TAK PREGNANT. MINDSET KENA MCM PORNSTAR. BARU JADI.

Number 1. You are so arrogant. Baik kau solat taubat soon. Sembahyang, bukan pasal nak Allah tunaikan hajat eh. Itu wajib. 5 kali 1 hari. Plus sunat, tahajjud etc. Berapa byk lagi kau nak buat. After prayers, u doa for Allah swt to give you what is best for you. I know of someone who went for Haj. And pleaded with Allah in front of the Kaabah. And yet… no baby. Does this mean Allah doesnt love her? No. This is her test in this world. If she passes it, the hereafter will be a much much happier place fr her. Insya Allah.

Number 2. I think, im better than a pornstar. Coz hubb and I, we dont share ourselves with others. And whatever positions we partake, whatever instruments we use or wherever we may be… we do it with love. And true passion. And you know. Anything pornographic. DISGUSTS ME. So no. Im not gonna have the mentality of a pornstar. Makes me feel dirty. Astaghfirullah.

Dont forget. What Allah swt gives. He can take back. Anytime baybeh. So dont be so damn ignorant. And arrogant. Just because youve already had kids, doesnt make u a midwife expert or fertility specialist. While I know youre trying to be helpful, just dont.

So many like me are trying. My dear cousin had a successful ivf procedure. She was blessed with twins. Unfortunately, she lost them at 5mths. What do I say to her? What can I do for her? I know how it feels like to try so hard fr so long. To hope and dream. I felt her happiness when she conceived. And after knowing she lost them, I cannot even bring myself to go and see her. Because I cannot handle my own emotions. So I sat in prayer and prayed fr her. Her babies. Her husband. And myself. And cried and sobbed. The twins are safe in jannah now. They will be waiting for their ummi and abah.

With that, I end my post tonight. With surah alfateha.

Amin.

Burying my hatchets Part 2: NZ

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I met NZ in pre-u back in 98′. We hit it off pretty well. Long after graduation, we met up several times over coffee or shisha or dinner.

We were on relatively good terms until I turned into bridezilla back in 07′. To cut the story short, after a series of nasty blog posts, curt Friendster statuses and the likes, we never met up again and all communications ended. Instead of meeting up to solve whatever, we became strangers. And thats quite sad because NZ and myself had a pretty good friendship prior.

After 7 long years, I was invited intoย  an FB chatroom for alumni netballers. I saw that NZ happened to be in it as well. I decided there and then that this ‘silence’ between us gotta end. So I sent a message to her. Which she replied pleasantly and alhamdulillah.ย  We are ok now. We added each other on FB and instagram. No meetups yet. Neither calls nor msgs. But to acknowledge each other’s existence is more than enough for me. ๐Ÿ™‚

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The Sept hols is over and tomorrow, I start term 4. Last lap and perhaps the busiest term of every year. With it, I am hoping for my emplacement which has been overdue the past 3 years.

I worry about work because the results this time is not as good as of previous years. I have less than 9 weeks to work on them. Insya allah, with a little bit more dedication on my part, I can push all of them to do better.

Actually, I very badly wanna post abt sumthing thats been bugging me the past couple of days. But I have to push that to another day. The time is not right. Plus, im trying to train my bodyclock to wake up in time for subuh and do a morning run after. Its aldy past midnight now and the hubb is not too happy im still on my mobile. :p

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And I’ve turned 33! Haha… not much celebration tho. There was a simple cake cutting in sch. Msgs and wishes on FB. Received pretty presents from friends. And a new Desigual bag from hubby. Thats about it. ๐Ÿ™‚

And im blessed and thankful. To the Almighty. Nonetheless. With each passing day, month and year, we get closer to the day we return to Him. And after understanding that fact, I dont dig lavish birthday ‘celebrations’ only to have people weep over your death when you finally ‘return’ after decades of celebrating. Get what I mean? Haha… cynical. But maybe not. Just keeping it real. ๐Ÿ™‚

Now that term 3 is ending, its that time of the year again to plan for a holiday in December. I am very tempted to go Turkey. And right this moment, my cousin and his wife are holidaying there with their friends. The place looks amazing from the pics they took. Mad excited. And now im astonishingly addicted to watching Malay dramas online. Current craze is Rindu Awak 200%. And the onscreen couple went for their honeymoon in Turkey!

All the signs!!! Bahahahaha….

But my husband ah… really fickle minded. Cant decide between s.korea, kashmir, India, China, Hanoi and when he got so confused with this 1 simple decision, he said… lets go back to Toba. Or Bali. One big wtf moment. Hahahaha… so im really trying to persuade him to go Turkey.

Natas fair this coming weekend. Gonna drag him down to have a look see and hope to score a good deal.

But first! What to wear for workplace annual high tea? Garden theme leh. Do I dress up like a huge overgrown orchid or what? Or like julia roberts in pretty woman when she watched a polo match?

Im running late for work. Of all times to start blogging. Till later! Heh…

Burying my hatchets Part 1 : KT

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Growing up, I was taught to always be the best that i can be. That I must be better than everybody else. As I grew older, my ego grew with me too.

I was born 9yrs after my sister. I was raised by my maternal grandpops in a tiny 1room flat with several aunts and uncles in my early years. I received no lack of affection and attention. Everyone fussed over babyme. Naturally, I became the leader over the pack of my younger cousins who were born in quick succession over the 80s. I was always told to look after them. I planned games. I took charge over everything whenever we gathered. Ive always been playing the eldest sister role.

And then I went to school. Everything was ok until I reached p5. Suddenly, everybody had bestfriends. Or close friends. I had a small group of friends because we were neighbours who often played together. But the term bestfriends was still foreign to me. Ive gotten so used to being in charge over my cousins that it was difficult for me to comprehend what bestfriends do or how they treat each other. A classmate found it weird that when I wrote in their ‘autograph book’ (if u were in pr sch in the early 90s) my bestfriends were Allah swt and Nabi Muhammad saw. Coz really, those were what i was taught. I was even warned not to write ‘nonsense’ like that in their book.

So although I was really close to a particular group of friends, the friendship ended as we went to different secondary schools. In sec sch, I was close to 2 other girls. We did everything together. Till sec 4. When a boy asked me to be his gf. Which I agreed because at that time, everybody had a ‘steady’ and if you hadnt, ure pretty much a loser. Being overweight and all, I was so ready to jump at any chance not to look like a loser. (Gawd… my priorities…)

But that BGR thing lasted 2 weeks because 1. I was soooo uncomfortable at it all. 2. The boy was shorter than me. Lol! The best part? He went steady with one of the 2 girls I had been close with. Out of ego, I distanced myself from both of them and took solace with a classmate. Who happened to be my former pri sch classmate too.

After O levels, that classmate (KT) and I grew close very quickly. And labelled ourselves bestfriends forever. We found part time jobs in Takashimaya together and rocked Orchard rd during our off days. And after getting our results, we both applied to enter pre-uni. While waiting for posting results, we spent a lot of time together. Sometimes at my home. Sometimes at her new place. Her dad had a study room converted into a mini lounge, with soundproofing and all. And we spent countless hours in there watching movies, singing karaoke and gawd knows what! And we were ecstatic to know we were going to the same pre-uni together! We swore it was fate and that we’d be bestfriends forever.

We were posted to different classes in the Arts stream. She took Geography while I took History. I made a lot of friends quickly over the next few months. I was actively socialising and somehow we drifted apart. Perhaps I hadnt cared enough for her. I dont know. Our classrooms were just next door to each other. Yet we werent speaking. We werent even acknowledging each other’s presence. How did we do it in our tiny Toh Tuck campus? Beh.

Anyway, after sufferring my first heartbreak (by a boy not from.school) and finding out how lonesome I can be without a galpal to cry to, I picked up smoking as a form of solace. Really. No joke. So one fine day after school (we were 18 then. Legal aldy hor) I snuck at the back of bt batok mrt stn to have 1 stick before heading home. And who did I find sitting 1 corner puffing away? Yep. KT.

I was quite taken aback at first because I didnt know she’d picked up smoking too. I cannot remember what happened or who initiated what. But after taking another long drag from our cigs, we went home together and our friendship picked up again like it never missed a beat.

Days in pre-uni flew by. By our third year, we were 19 and found everything outside school exciting. The pocketmoney from my parents (non-working mom & recently retrenched dad) werent enough for a growing young adult like me. So when KT’s cousin mentioned a part-time opening in Chomel as stock takers, we jumped at the opportunity. Eventually, we were promoted to sales assts after the stock taking and continued to work part time for the company eventho we had our A levels to sit for.

Ard this time, KT had been very interested in the underground music scene, especially local ska/punk bands. We had reconnected with a ex-sec schmate, MJ who had similar tastes in music. They frequent local gigs at Youth Park and some CCs which I usually tagged along because, hey, im the bestfriend right? I was mixing ard and getting to know skinheads, punkrockers, talented musicians etc. But it wasnt really a scene for me. Im too mainstream. Minah Melayu dengar lagu pat Ria mainstream. So, very slowly, cracks began appearing in our formidable bestfriendship.

Somehow, I ended up dating a guy from a hardcore band. And altho its not my kinda music and not my kinda guy, I was suddenly minah-not-interested-in-underground-music to matmetal punyer girl. Again. Its not that I love him or like him or what. Its really because 1. Theres a guy who likes fat me. 2. He has a band (2 I think) so Take That, KT and MJ. You see. My ego is soooo big. With my bestfriends also wanna compete. Haiz….

I started spending more time with Mat Metal and his friends, finding little time for KT & MJ. (Did you know that my husb was Mat Metal’s good friend and vocalist of his band? LOL) Anyway, I dont know how i did it. But the year 2000 was spent sleeping in class, working evenings and meeting with Mat Metal and friends or with KT and MJ on free days. When neither of them is free to meet me, I am with a neighbour, AL.

As the A levels approached, KT and I will meetup to study at random quiet void decks. From afternoon till night. Sometimes, MJ will join us. Sometimes AL will join us. Sometimes both. Then studying will be impossible. hehe.

After the exams, Mat Metal and I broke up. So in order not to bump into him, I declined to tag along MJ and KT to any gigs. I spent more time with AL. But we all meet up sometimes.

I really felt that KT and I were drifting further & further apart. She’d be snappy to be. And I would ignore her calls or smses. Its true. Twos a company. Three is a crowd. Eversince MJ ‘joined’ us, I felt the need to prove to KT that I am a worthier friend and in that process, I unknowingly hurt others. Or was it because I need to prove to KT that even without her I can be better? Haiya. We were young and stupid.

The last thing I knew, we didnt even collect our A level results together. She had gone to take hers with MJ and 2 guy friends I had introduced them to. KT found a job at a bank which we both applied and got but I left soon after because I was offered a job as a reservations agent at Westin. I began seeing a boy who had a pretty face but of no substance, really. Again, I agreed on a relationship because he had a pretty face. Thats. All.

Till here, my memories fail me. I only remembered getting KT fired from her job. Which left her seething mad and angy sms exchanges between MJ and me. And ugly confrontations with AL and finally in 2001, my friendship with all 3 girls ended. On a bitter note. We became strangers.

Life went on for all of us. We all took different paths. I dont know about them, but I still though about them.Now and then. Especially KT. Because we were especially close.

10 years later. A good decade later. AL added me in FB. We exchanged msgs. And all is forgiven and forgotten. Shes married to her longtime sweetheart and has 2 beautiful children.

The next year, MJ added me in FB. Same thing. She has recently moved into Punggol and we’ve met up a few times. She too has gotten married and has 2 really cute babies.

Eversince I put on the hijab, I have been meaning to contact KT. To seek forgiveness. I saw her on FB thru AL and MJ. And many times I tried to but I cant. Regardless of what happened in the past, I need to do this so that my own heart will find peace.

I dont know what made me find the courage to. But I finally did recently. After more than 13yrs. I finally managed to contact KT, thru FB.

She replied a rather long post. She has forgotten whatever I did to her then. But she could not find it in her heart to forgive me. When my dad passed away, she was told of it by AL. But she was too bitter to send condolences eventho she had felt sad for me. That was over 7yrs since.

But my msg to her recently, after over 13years, had somehow soften her heart. And shes forgiven me. We’ve forgiven each other. And now, theres no more enmity between us. She is also married and is blessed to have a beautiful baby girl.

It feels so good to bury this hatchet. Though I dont hope for our friendship to be the way it used to be then, it is more than enough for me knowing that KT has finally forgiven me.

Before I leave this world, there are others whom I’d like very much to make amends with. Because of the way I am before. My ego. My mouth. My attitude.

And having had to do it first with those 3 girls has made me more confident to do so with a few others ive hurt in the past.

2 more soon in upcoming posts. And if ive ever got a chance to seek forgiveness with the others, I will insya allah share it here too.