Monthly Archives: June 2013

D-year.

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Yesterday after mtp session at work, saw my friend who was hiding in a corner talking to another colleague. I had shouted bye to them when she gestured for me to come over.

To cut the story short, she had tendered her resignation the day before. She was fed up at work. Mainly the mgmt for being on her ass 24/7. So she quit. And weeks prior to that, she had just broken up with a longtime bf who is another ass. And yesterday, she found out that the same ass exbf is getting engaged this month.

While telling me that piece of news, she crumpled and burst into tears and sobs. And all I could do was hold her tight. Till someone cracked a joke and she pulled away, mustering just enough courage to let out a stifled laugh.

Its only mid yr. And aldy 2013 has been unkind to her. I can emphatize with her. Really I do.

Coz 2011 had been D year for me.

That year, my issue of constantly being late for work finally was too much fr the mgmt to ignore. I have problems waking up in the morning to get to work by 7.10am. I was late for work on and off since 2010. But 2011 was worse. And id felt tired and lethargic and often could not even get my work done properly. Icing on the cake? I mixed up my leave days. That I missed my unisim paper which I had to re-sit the following semester. And missed a day at work without valid reason.

And that caused me to get a D grade for my work performance that year. Subsequently, even after I graduated with a degree, I was not emplaced. Which means I am STILL taking home a diploma pay. After 3yrs of sleepless nights and hard work for my degree. HQ sent me a letter and said my emplacement will be subject for review in 2015. Beh.

Not long after I found out abt my performance grading, I was diagnosed with Diabetes Mellitus type 2.

My world as I knew it came crashing down. 2011. I thought about quitting my job. Transferring.

Suicide.

I blamed everyone. Everybody. Everything. Including God.

Except myself.

D. D grade. Diabetes. Degree holder but Diploma salary. Dont have children. Damnit.

So many things to whine and complain and ger upset about. But at the end of the day, I can only blame myself and only I can make things better.

And today in 2013, as I look back and reflect. I am a survivor. And syukran to that.

I dont know how I did it. But theres a caption on fb. Something along the lines of, “Sometimes God takes everything away from you so that all you can depend on is Him.”

And yes. Nobody could do anything for me to make me feel ok in 2011. Even my husband got the brunt of my emotions. Only Him. The mighty Allah swt. Only to Allah swt I poured out all my emotions.

And 2yrs on, im ok. I still work at the same place. I still face the same people who decided to give me that grade knowing I wont be emplaced after attaining my degree. I am still battling my diabetes. I am still hoping and trying for a baby. With a smile on my face and contentment in my heart.

For ive placed everything. My life, my future, in Allah’s swt hands. “Inna solati wanuusuki wamahyaya wamamati lillahi robbil alameen” Although 2 weeks back I received a No go for ivf. After the initial heartpain, I laughed. This is another test for me from Him. Its ok.

Because I am. A survivor.

And I pray that my friend gets through this year and the years to come. For I know that she will survive these tests from Him. As we strong Muslim women usually do.

Amin.

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