Monthly Archives: October 2013

My dear September of 2013


Is this gonna be a monthly thing? Blogging, I mean. Hahahah…

Yup. September has passed. Oct 1 has passed. Tomorrow is nenek’s 40th day since she left. Theres a tahlil and kenduri so we will be over at Woodlands.

Its been 4yrs since daddy left too. I didnt get all emo and stuff on fb like I always do. Maybe the grief is gone. But I do miss him still.

Nothing particularly poignant abt my September. Except that my babysis turned 27. And we had a quiet celebration at my home.. just 3 of us. I love my babysis to death. Really. Shes going thru some sorta situation right now. I can only pray for her happiness. Shes a tough cookie.

Oh. And my mini emo breakdown the other day. After subuh prayers, I just bawled my eyes out. The reality of not having any children my entire life. Im only human. I see other women proudly holding their babies and I think of myself. Unable to feel my womb expand with a growing living thing. Unable to see tiny little feet and hands. The only pitter patter of little feet would be from my 2 cats (and sometimes they can move about so silently I get mini heart attacks when they jumped on my lap!) Unable to cuddle my own crying child. Unable to … so many things! 😦

And I am so sorry to my husband. He would make a great father. But as he consoled me later that night, what he said makes perfect sense. And it kinda soothed my emotions a bit.

That if this is the test from Allah swt for us, then it is a test he is glad to have. Rather this than having a sick or disabled baby. No offence to parents with children of special needs. All children are His gifts and with them, the amanah. If Allah has chosen you to be the parents, then that is your amanah. Im writing abt myself here. Rather this than having a child grow up and be disrespectful not at all God-fearing humans.

Get what I mean?

Maybe my sins and hubb’s are too much for ourselves to handle and be answerable to. Let alone having to answer for others.

I dont need pity from others. Who think we are the poor childless couple who will never know true happiness or learn the meaning of responsibility. Ive seen parents who struggle to be happy with their children. I know of irresponsible parents. I can see through the facade in the faces of parents and their trophy babies.

Yes. I am jealous.

But only for that 1 nanosecond I see you with your beautiful offspring.

Because Allah’s secrets are His alone. And ive learnt to leave everything in His hands. And my husband and I? We are that crazy happy couple. We are responsible adults with full time careers which pay the bills on time, pay for this cosy home and all that goes in it, pay for holidays abroad whenever we feel like it. And 2 cats who are so wonderfully taken care of, they expect to be fed promptly and their litter boxes cleaned daily or they will engage in a real catfight. With us. Heh.

So yeah. After that emo episode and that little talk with my husband, I am feeling a whole lot better.

I am a lioness with no cubs of her own. But I am happy.
Will I ever be a mom?
Will hubb ever be a dad?
I dont know.
But right now, we live. Love. Laugh. Eat. Pray.
No point drowning myself in sorrow. Overthinking, overanalysing. Getting upset. Depressed.

Life is short. Unpredictable. In Singapore? A whole lot worse. So yeah. At this moment. Of this hour. When my hubb is happily asleep under the covers beside me on our bed. And im typing this out coz I cannot sleep yet.