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And I’ve turned 33! Haha… not much celebration tho. There was a simple cake cutting in sch. Msgs and wishes on FB. Received pretty presents from friends. And a new Desigual bag from hubby. Thats about it. 🙂

And im blessed and thankful. To the Almighty. Nonetheless. With each passing day, month and year, we get closer to the day we return to Him. And after understanding that fact, I dont dig lavish birthday ‘celebrations’ only to have people weep over your death when you finally ‘return’ after decades of celebrating. Get what I mean? Haha… cynical. But maybe not. Just keeping it real. 🙂

Now that term 3 is ending, its that time of the year again to plan for a holiday in December. I am very tempted to go Turkey. And right this moment, my cousin and his wife are holidaying there with their friends. The place looks amazing from the pics they took. Mad excited. And now im astonishingly addicted to watching Malay dramas online. Current craze is Rindu Awak 200%. And the onscreen couple went for their honeymoon in Turkey!

All the signs!!! Bahahahaha….

But my husband ah… really fickle minded. Cant decide between s.korea, kashmir, India, China, Hanoi and when he got so confused with this 1 simple decision, he said… lets go back to Toba. Or Bali. One big wtf moment. Hahahaha… so im really trying to persuade him to go Turkey.

Natas fair this coming weekend. Gonna drag him down to have a look see and hope to score a good deal.

But first! What to wear for workplace annual high tea? Garden theme leh. Do I dress up like a huge overgrown orchid or what? Or like julia roberts in pretty woman when she watched a polo match?

Im running late for work. Of all times to start blogging. Till later! Heh…

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Burying my hatchets Part 1 : KT

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Growing up, I was taught to always be the best that i can be. That I must be better than everybody else. As I grew older, my ego grew with me too.

I was born 9yrs after my sister. I was raised by my maternal grandpops in a tiny 1room flat with several aunts and uncles in my early years. I received no lack of affection and attention. Everyone fussed over babyme. Naturally, I became the leader over the pack of my younger cousins who were born in quick succession over the 80s. I was always told to look after them. I planned games. I took charge over everything whenever we gathered. Ive always been playing the eldest sister role.

And then I went to school. Everything was ok until I reached p5. Suddenly, everybody had bestfriends. Or close friends. I had a small group of friends because we were neighbours who often played together. But the term bestfriends was still foreign to me. Ive gotten so used to being in charge over my cousins that it was difficult for me to comprehend what bestfriends do or how they treat each other. A classmate found it weird that when I wrote in their ‘autograph book’ (if u were in pr sch in the early 90s) my bestfriends were Allah swt and Nabi Muhammad saw. Coz really, those were what i was taught. I was even warned not to write ‘nonsense’ like that in their book.

So although I was really close to a particular group of friends, the friendship ended as we went to different secondary schools. In sec sch, I was close to 2 other girls. We did everything together. Till sec 4. When a boy asked me to be his gf. Which I agreed because at that time, everybody had a ‘steady’ and if you hadnt, ure pretty much a loser. Being overweight and all, I was so ready to jump at any chance not to look like a loser. (Gawd… my priorities…)

But that BGR thing lasted 2 weeks because 1. I was soooo uncomfortable at it all. 2. The boy was shorter than me. Lol! The best part? He went steady with one of the 2 girls I had been close with. Out of ego, I distanced myself from both of them and took solace with a classmate. Who happened to be my former pri sch classmate too.

After O levels, that classmate (KT) and I grew close very quickly. And labelled ourselves bestfriends forever. We found part time jobs in Takashimaya together and rocked Orchard rd during our off days. And after getting our results, we both applied to enter pre-uni. While waiting for posting results, we spent a lot of time together. Sometimes at my home. Sometimes at her new place. Her dad had a study room converted into a mini lounge, with soundproofing and all. And we spent countless hours in there watching movies, singing karaoke and gawd knows what! And we were ecstatic to know we were going to the same pre-uni together! We swore it was fate and that we’d be bestfriends forever.

We were posted to different classes in the Arts stream. She took Geography while I took History. I made a lot of friends quickly over the next few months. I was actively socialising and somehow we drifted apart. Perhaps I hadnt cared enough for her. I dont know. Our classrooms were just next door to each other. Yet we werent speaking. We werent even acknowledging each other’s presence. How did we do it in our tiny Toh Tuck campus? Beh.

Anyway, after sufferring my first heartbreak (by a boy not from.school) and finding out how lonesome I can be without a galpal to cry to, I picked up smoking as a form of solace. Really. No joke. So one fine day after school (we were 18 then. Legal aldy hor) I snuck at the back of bt batok mrt stn to have 1 stick before heading home. And who did I find sitting 1 corner puffing away? Yep. KT.

I was quite taken aback at first because I didnt know she’d picked up smoking too. I cannot remember what happened or who initiated what. But after taking another long drag from our cigs, we went home together and our friendship picked up again like it never missed a beat.

Days in pre-uni flew by. By our third year, we were 19 and found everything outside school exciting. The pocketmoney from my parents (non-working mom & recently retrenched dad) werent enough for a growing young adult like me. So when KT’s cousin mentioned a part-time opening in Chomel as stock takers, we jumped at the opportunity. Eventually, we were promoted to sales assts after the stock taking and continued to work part time for the company eventho we had our A levels to sit for.

Ard this time, KT had been very interested in the underground music scene, especially local ska/punk bands. We had reconnected with a ex-sec schmate, MJ who had similar tastes in music. They frequent local gigs at Youth Park and some CCs which I usually tagged along because, hey, im the bestfriend right? I was mixing ard and getting to know skinheads, punkrockers, talented musicians etc. But it wasnt really a scene for me. Im too mainstream. Minah Melayu dengar lagu pat Ria mainstream. So, very slowly, cracks began appearing in our formidable bestfriendship.

Somehow, I ended up dating a guy from a hardcore band. And altho its not my kinda music and not my kinda guy, I was suddenly minah-not-interested-in-underground-music to matmetal punyer girl. Again. Its not that I love him or like him or what. Its really because 1. Theres a guy who likes fat me. 2. He has a band (2 I think) so Take That, KT and MJ. You see. My ego is soooo big. With my bestfriends also wanna compete. Haiz….

I started spending more time with Mat Metal and his friends, finding little time for KT & MJ. (Did you know that my husb was Mat Metal’s good friend and vocalist of his band? LOL) Anyway, I dont know how i did it. But the year 2000 was spent sleeping in class, working evenings and meeting with Mat Metal and friends or with KT and MJ on free days. When neither of them is free to meet me, I am with a neighbour, AL.

As the A levels approached, KT and I will meetup to study at random quiet void decks. From afternoon till night. Sometimes, MJ will join us. Sometimes AL will join us. Sometimes both. Then studying will be impossible. hehe.

After the exams, Mat Metal and I broke up. So in order not to bump into him, I declined to tag along MJ and KT to any gigs. I spent more time with AL. But we all meet up sometimes.

I really felt that KT and I were drifting further & further apart. She’d be snappy to be. And I would ignore her calls or smses. Its true. Twos a company. Three is a crowd. Eversince MJ ‘joined’ us, I felt the need to prove to KT that I am a worthier friend and in that process, I unknowingly hurt others. Or was it because I need to prove to KT that even without her I can be better? Haiya. We were young and stupid.

The last thing I knew, we didnt even collect our A level results together. She had gone to take hers with MJ and 2 guy friends I had introduced them to. KT found a job at a bank which we both applied and got but I left soon after because I was offered a job as a reservations agent at Westin. I began seeing a boy who had a pretty face but of no substance, really. Again, I agreed on a relationship because he had a pretty face. Thats. All.

Till here, my memories fail me. I only remembered getting KT fired from her job. Which left her seething mad and angy sms exchanges between MJ and me. And ugly confrontations with AL and finally in 2001, my friendship with all 3 girls ended. On a bitter note. We became strangers.

Life went on for all of us. We all took different paths. I dont know about them, but I still though about them.Now and then. Especially KT. Because we were especially close.

10 years later. A good decade later. AL added me in FB. We exchanged msgs. And all is forgiven and forgotten. Shes married to her longtime sweetheart and has 2 beautiful children.

The next year, MJ added me in FB. Same thing. She has recently moved into Punggol and we’ve met up a few times. She too has gotten married and has 2 really cute babies.

Eversince I put on the hijab, I have been meaning to contact KT. To seek forgiveness. I saw her on FB thru AL and MJ. And many times I tried to but I cant. Regardless of what happened in the past, I need to do this so that my own heart will find peace.

I dont know what made me find the courage to. But I finally did recently. After more than 13yrs. I finally managed to contact KT, thru FB.

She replied a rather long post. She has forgotten whatever I did to her then. But she could not find it in her heart to forgive me. When my dad passed away, she was told of it by AL. But she was too bitter to send condolences eventho she had felt sad for me. That was over 7yrs since.

But my msg to her recently, after over 13years, had somehow soften her heart. And shes forgiven me. We’ve forgiven each other. And now, theres no more enmity between us. She is also married and is blessed to have a beautiful baby girl.

It feels so good to bury this hatchet. Though I dont hope for our friendship to be the way it used to be then, it is more than enough for me knowing that KT has finally forgiven me.

Before I leave this world, there are others whom I’d like very much to make amends with. Because of the way I am before. My ego. My mouth. My attitude.

And having had to do it first with those 3 girls has made me more confident to do so with a few others ive hurt in the past.

2 more soon in upcoming posts. And if ive ever got a chance to seek forgiveness with the others, I will insya allah share it here too.

Extremism

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Its May!!!

My absolute favourite time of the year!

Why???

Coz we met in May. Fell in love in May. Got engaged in May. Got married in May. Moved into first marital home in May. Plus! Hubb’s bday is also in May! Wooot!

Ok… as per the title of this post. Something that has been bugging me for a bit.

The other day as I sat talking to a friend, she mentioned that my husband has gotten quite extreme with his transformation.

Hmm… I wondered why she said that.

Maybe because, I playfully mentioned that my husband does not allow me to leave home without the hijab or with tight fit clothes (he doesnt have to forcefully forbid, this is wajib). Or that our home hardly plays music, just Quranic verses or zikrullah songs.

Or the fact that my husband is now mildly obsessed with playing the doumbek. (Djembe? Whatsitcalled?)

Or that we dont hang out with other people already? (Venue is of issue. Will blog abt this another day)

I came to a realization that while many of our friends and family see our transition to be better Muslims as a good thing. There are others who still see it as an extreme thing.

But thats ok. This journey, our journey, is for ourselves. Extreme or not. My dear friend may not have understood. I will try and talk to her again. And pray for her to receive the hidayah and love that Allah swt has blessed me so far.

Hubb also has a friend who followed him to the mosque now and then. After a while, when asked to go to the mosque during prayer times, the friend refused. When hubb got incessant, he got irritated and told him ‘relax ah… no need to be so extreme…’

I know Islam is about moderation la bro. But when it comes to prayers, no 2ways abt it. Either u do or you dont. We pray he will also change for the better. 🙂

Because hubb and I know. What its like to be in their shoes. To walk past Masjid Sultan and eat at Zamzam or Victory or shopping along Arab st, blatantly ignoring the azan calling out loud and clear. Not feeling a tinge of guilt.

To see others who changed for the better and went, “ohh… hes met a tudung girl. So now must impress her la. That wont be long term. He’ ll return to the old ways soon.” 

Or

“She put on tudung? Ya la. Got married aldy. Sure husband forced her. What kind of husband is that?”

Or

“She put on tudung because her ears are too big. Or maybe she is balding? Oh… a bad hair dye job! Bad hair cut?”

Astagfirullah… we never had a good thing to say about other who have changed. We were always that judgemental. And stayed away from people whom we thought were ‘extreme’ly religious.

Because it made us uncomfortable.

That we werent like them. That we were better and happier not being forced to pray or fast or cover our aurats, joining syaitan in his quest to drag all of us to hell with our drinking, partying. Especially me… that the more revealing clothes I wear, the better I feel. Because I was a confident sexy woman, not afraid to show off my skin.

Because we were that childless couple, intent to show the world that even without kids, we are happy and fun. We can afford expensive possessions, multiple holiday trips. A late night out partying coz theres no screaming baby or sick child to attend to. 

Who were we kidding? Only ourselves.

So when Allah swt sends his love in His own way, we are much much much thankful. And our sudden drastic change may throw some people ard us off balance.

But its ok. Again… we still have a long way to go to learn and be better. Not better than anyone else. But better than us before. Even if it means taking extreme measures.

Because you know. With every second the clock ticks, the closer Death is to all of us. No time left.

byebye 2013

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So fast, eh.

This Dec holidays, i didnt do much. 4 days getaway outta Spore. A little shopping to get new outfits for work (i still havent found a nice bag and a good pair of shoes though.. haha). Most of the time I am at home, sleeping half the day away and randomly surfing online. Beh…  comes with age i guess. I refused invites for dates with my friends. I refused to date the husband. I dont know what is wrong with me.

Last Friday, I walked into the polyclinic for my chest pains. Suddenly i am in the ambulance. And suddenly I was sitting in the a&e at ktph and hooked up to the iv. 3 ecgs, 1 x ray, 2 blood tests and 6hrs later, I was discharged and sent home without any meds. Nothing from the tests found any problems with my heart or my body. It seems all that is wrong with me may be just psychological. *waste time*

Since returning from Medan, I have been having diarrhoea. Not the excruciating tummy spasms kind like I got in Bandung. More like, watery stools and the need to run to the jamban after every meal. Its been a week so I took mc from work today and saw my GP. He  prescribed me some meds. Upon returning home, I went to take a shower and found a large red spot in my panty. Surprised me much because my menses ended last Dec17th. Only 19 days apart? Beh… must be one of my cysts rupturing or something. Hate pcos. Hate it Hate it Hate it!

Tomorrow is the last day of the year. Hows 2013 for me? Apart from losing my beloved grandmama and my first panic attack, its been good. I look forward to what 2014 may bring for me. Insya allah, more good things to come. 🙂

Im shelving baby plans for now. Again. I want to get my body in order first. The doctors may not have found anything wrong with me. But I feel wrong, something is not right. So losing weight is top priority. 🙂

 

Aunt Flo

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My last menses was in May. Even that was through medication. After 7 months and showing no signs of ever showing up, I took 7 days of Duphaston and waited for it to come. I was getting anxious of it not ever showing up. My back ached like crazy and I felt quite ill and not myself.

I was at the zoo yesterday when Aunt Flo decided to make a grand entrance. Thankful for the nice and clean toilets of Mandai Zoo. (and pantyliner!) hahahaha…. Today is the 2nd day and it being the weekends, Im glad i am at home. 7 months of absent menses. So imagine the cramps and heavy bleeding. I bought Laurier’s 40cm pads just to make me feel safe. :/

Lets just hope it clears by the time I leave for Medan on the 18th. I doubt the toilets are usable by my standards. Yeah, Im very picky about public toilets. Plus, theres gonna be a 5hr drive from Medan to Lake Toba. Im getting excited about my first trip into Sumatra, so this Aunt Flo period better pass quick.

Travelogue

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While planning for our next getaway, I was doing a lot of reads up on the internet and found that there were a lot of blogs detailing about other people’s travels.

It really helped me with regards to the attractions I can go to or skip, places to eat (especially halal ones), guides to possibly hire etc etc… and it made me want to start my own travel blog. (Cemana punya well travelled lah sangat!)

Altho ive not been to many places (all ard southeast asia jer) I have this sudden urge to just write about my little getaways so that (1) I can hopefully help others plan their own holidays and (2) Record my own experiences so the memory doesnt fade and etc etc thay sorta thing.

Ive started a new pg

http://getmeouttasg.wordpress.com

So far, only 2 entries on my trip to Bandung last Dec. Hehe. Dah malam, gua nak tido woi.

But more entries coming soon. I hope. :))

Holidays…wooot!

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Wow… last post was in September!

You know (whoever you are.. lol) with fb and twitter and instagram, blogging takes a backseat. wayyy back. haha..

Ok, lemme just try to summarize what ive been up to the last 3 months…

Running:

I took up running again in June. I had been running regularly. Then the haze set in. So the running became less regular. Went for the Shape run in October where I smashed all my 5km records. Maybe coz I started with the same pace as my cousin and friend. Which was basically 3mins faster than my usual. I realized i was going too fast because at the 1km mark, my runkeeper informed me of the ave distance. And because by then, I was already starting to feel tired. So i slowed down and let my 2 running companions go ahead first. Then i started to walk more than i run. And sprinted the last 1km. Thus the new record. Lol.

So after that run, i took a week’s break from running. Then i went to the gym. And I cannot even do a simple 3km on the treadmill. That night, while doing my isyak prayers, I found that i was unable to breathe. No matter how deep I breathed in, I couldnt get enough air. I started to panic. As i recovered from rukuk position, my heart started racing and I felt dizzy. My fingers and toes started getting cold. I kept thinking if i was getting a heart attack and die. After prayers, I complained to my husband of my condition and while he was concerned, he kept telling me i was over reacting. Maybe I hadnt eaten or gotten enough sleep.

I tried to calm down and the symptoms disappeared. But as we sat watching television, it came back and I felt faint. I begged for my husband to bring me down to the clinic and we rushed down. I was so afraid I will pass out and walked faster than my husband! When we arrived at the clinic, my husband rushed to the receptionist and requested we be seen next after describing my condition, which was thankfully granted.

The young doctor asked about my symptoms, checked my pulse and finally said I was having hyperventilation syndrome. HUH? Panic attack? I wasnt panicking about anything. I wasnt anxious or stressed. I was IN PRAYER! The doctor reassured me that I wasnt having a heart attack and I wasnt going to die. I just need to learn how to breathe properly and relax. No medications given. Just some sleeping pills to help me sleep.

Needless to say, I stopped running after that because I fear that i might get another attack while running. In fact, I experienced a couple more attacks after that. I gave the GE run a miss. I chucked my diet outta the window. And started gaining wait.

At the Illumi run last night, I thought i could attempt to do a slow jog or brisk walk but hey, it was a party run yo. Nobody was running. So yea.. i did a 5km walk with my cousin which i thoroughly enjoyed with no panic attacks. I still fear running. I wished i hadnt stopped. I wished i never have gotten the panic attacks. 😦

I will start slowly again. Insya allah.

Baby plans

Huh? What baby plans? hehe… As i was cleaning the other day, I found the file which contained all the forms for IVF which we already signed in May but didnt get to proceed. So I thought we could do it this December. My last menses was last May too. It didnt come at all since so I thought I will start on the pills to trigger menses and book my IVF appt. But somehow, my husband was against this plan. He said my body is still not well with my weight gain and panic attacks and all. So after some emo discussion, we’ve decided to postpone it AGAIN to next December. So i have 12 months to get my body physically fit and mentally prepare myself for the treatment. :/

Work

Work’s been good this year. I will be taking P1 and P2 again next year. (Org dah expert kan… LOL) I ended the year on a good note. Was in charge of the PGD with some others and it was well executed. My supervisor gave me good reviews wrt my work performance this year. Alhamdulillah. I look forward to begin work next year. I’ve never felt like this the 9years i am in this career. Its true what they say after all. If you enjoy what you do, work becomes play! hehe…

Spiritual

I am still a makcik tudung. In fact, I feel naked without it. I still struggle to wake up for Subuh. And I aways try to fulfil my 5 daily prayers. So when time doesnt permit or when i cave in to Syaitan’s orders to sleep or nap and end up missing my prayers, I make sure I do my prayer marathon. LOL. I am at juz30 on the Quran. Mad excited. Hopefully I can khatam by end of 2013. If I do, it’ll be my 2nd time completing it. And the first time understanding what I actually read because I will read the translation at the end of whatever surah I recite for the day. The translation is in Indonesian and sometimes I dont understand some of the words used. So hubbs got me an English one and I look forward to begin reading that one once i khatam this one. hehe… I also plan to relearn how to properly recite the Quran. Not that i dont know already. But what i last learnt over 20yrs ago may not be accurate, although i dont doubt my makcik ngaji then. There are formal classes available now and I might start next year.

Kitties

My 2 cats are constantly fighting with each other. The younger one has battle scars all over his body. Some of them bled. His fur has botak patches all over. I thought my elder cat was being a bully until I saw with my own eyes that the younger one is always the one to provoke and initiate a fight. They run at top speed all over the house causing a path of destruction everywhere they go. But like human siblings, they show affection to each other at times too. The elder one is especially loving as it will lick the younger one’s wounds or try to groom it. We dont lock up the younger cat at night anymore. Initially they will play/fight throughout the night, banging into closed doors and crashing anything on table tops, cabinets, shelves. Now, once all the lights are switched off and we go to bed, each one will find their own spot and sleep as well.

December 2013 plans

Initially, we didnt plan to travel out of the country. Hubb as to serve 3 weeks of reservist ending next week. I didnt mind at first because i had wanted to do my IVF, right? But since its postponed, we decided maybe we can plan a short getaway. Hubb mentioned Lake Toba and immediately I logged on to Jetstar and to my delight, found they were having a sale! So we  booked a trip to Medan with a 2-night stay in Lake Toba and 1 final night in Medan city. And then, we realised hubb’s passport has less than 6 months to expiry. So we applied for his new passport online as well. We have booked hotel rooms but we still have not found a personal guide and private driver to bring us from Medan city to Lake Toba and back. Hubb’s kinda worried that his passport wont be ready before we take off. We’re leaving on the 18th. 10 more days should be sufficient. I hope. hehe.

Pray for us, hor.

Dah penat ni. Laki dah balek. Nak kena layan. hehe!